The Taming Of The Sue
by ElairaHunter
Summary: Artemis Fowl is in the struggle of his life, here we pit his formidable intelligence against the wiles of a Mary Sue. Who will prevail?
1. Musings

Disclaimer:  
  
I don't own Fowl  
  
He looks like an owl (actually a Vampire but that doesn't rhyme)  
  
He loves to scowl  
  
I want to howl! (because my pathetic attempt at rhyming my way to a disclaimer has failed so miserably that I've lost all delusions about becoming the next Poet Laureate).  
  
Lets do this the old fashioned way, shall we? I do not own the rights to Artemis Fowl or any of the characters associated with the books. They belong to Eoin Colfer. The Sue however does belong to me. She's mine to torture as I please.  
  
Author's Note: Am I rambling? Sorry! This fic is set after the mindwipe of 'The Eternity Code', Artemis Fowl has not recovered his memory, and thus there are no People. Enjoy, please read and review. Constructive criticisms help authors to better themselves.  
  
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Chapter One: Musings  
  
ARTEMIS FOWL'S JOURNAL, DISK 2, ENCRYPTED. ENTRY 1  
  
My father returns today from his convalesce period in Helsinki, bringing with him his newly found conscience. I am to be granted a short reprieve from my 'necessary education' so that he and I can, in the manner of father and son, get to know each other. It is no doubt a noble sentiment and one I should perhaps welcome, as it were, with open arms, I cannot however allow myself to become too complacent in his company. I cannot yet look him in the eye when he asks if I am ready to be a hero. It may be that we differ in our interpretations of what such a role entails, I have no time for the glory-seeking heroism of myth nor the blatantly self-sacrificial antics of sympathy seekers, aligning themselves blindly to causes with no purpose other than to highlight the validity of their shallow beliefs. Perhaps I diverge from my purpose in keeping this journal, it was not intended to be an outlet for frustrations I cannot otherwise express but a documentation of my ventures for the benefit of my future descendents. I highly doubt there will be much benefit gleaned from my previous commentary.  
  
To matters at hand then, Butler has not yet returned from Limerick and I begin to grow impatient, that is not a good sign. I have been assured that the reason for his delay is a valid one and that upon his return all will be explained. It is a rare admission for me but I do hope this proves to be true, an adversary of the calibre I previously mentioned cannot be allowed to roam freely without my knowledge. For someone to have planted such a device upon my very person without incurring any retribution; that is a state of affairs that I cannot allow to remain unchanged.  
  
Juliet had resolved to leave tomorrow but I have convinced her to stay at the Manor a little longer, at least until Butler's return, though her stay may have to be extended. I've been given rather alarming news this morning.  
  
My father's recovery has of course merited media attention and friends who had thought him lost are coming forward to extend their wishes for his good health. Most are undoubtedly the same sycophants who predicted the downfall of the Fowl Name when my father disappeared, hastily returning now to secure future roles. I can see that I am not being fair in this matter; there are a few individuals genuinely pleased by his recovery. Among them is an old friend from his days at Dublin University, Dr Egan, a lecturer at Glasgow, who my mother assures me, knew my father before the family dynasty changed the man she fell in love with. Father and he have not maintained contact and neither now wish to lose the chance at rebuilding a friendship almost lost to death and ambition. I remain bemused by these admissions from my father; he is normally a man distant from such emotionally saturated speeches. Dr Egan, accordingly will be experiencing Fowl hospitality for the next two weeks so that our families can bond. That in itself is not the issue with which I am concerned, nor would it be a sufficient reason for maintaining Juliet's role as my Butler. Dr Egan and my father have resolved that our families become closer and with that in mind I have been told by my mother to be courteous and pleasant to his daughter, Susanna Marie, who will be accompanying him. I had of course no intention of insulting a guest but my mothers enthusiasm regarding this soon be fourteen-year-old daughter of a friend has me questioning her motives. Juliet therefore must remain. We shall soon see what it is my mother has planned. 


	2. Meetings

Disclaimer:  
  
Artemis isn't mine  
  
My fic is not benign  
  
I know I cannot rhyme  
  
Sue bashing is not a crime  
  
Got the picture yet? I don't own the rights to Artemis Fowl; I'm just borrowing the characters for some fun. In this chapter, Artemis meets Sue for the first time...  
  
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Chapter Two: Meetings  
  
ARTEMIS FOWL'S JOURNAL, DISK 2, ENCRYPTED. ENTRY 2  
  
The reunion with father was not quite what I had expected, true I was slightly uneasy with his open exuberance and with the enthusiasm which he displayed at coming home, but, it was oddly peaceful to sit by his side in the lounge and listen to his reminiscences of those parts of his life for which he does not express shame and regret. He did in particular dwell on his friendship with Dr Egan who arrives later today but that is not of importance.  
  
I awoke with that same curious feeling today, again I felt content, my drive to accumulate wealth forgotten. I must not let myself fall into such a routine, ambition is the key to success, aurum potestas est. I cannot allow myself to be swayed into complacence; I must replenish our fortune to its former magnificence. I will surpass it, father may not realise this but by abandoning the family motto he has left it in my hands to assure our future.  
  
I must end this transmission. Our guests will be arriving soon, let it be recorded however that I am still sceptical regarding my mothers protestations about her lack of intentions regarding Susanna Marie. If she were as innocent as she claims why pressure me to wear 'that blue shirt Arty, it gives such definition to your eyes,' considering her own fixation with my fathers blue eyes I find myself not quite reassured.  
  
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ARTEMIS FOWL'S JOURNAL, DISK 2, ENCRYPTED. ENTRY 3  
  
She's beautiful. I barely heard a word father said at the dinner table. I must have seemed so uncouth. I think I stared at her all the way though supper. I didn't expect to be so affected by physical perfection in any female. She's so beautiful. She is but an inch shorter than me. Her hair is luxuriant and as golden as the rays of the sun. Her eyes, I've never seen such depth, such iridescence, such magnificence. As green as the rolling hills of Ireland, she drew me in with a single glance. I need rest to reflect upon this but I could not go to bed without having paid homage to the beauty that has entered my life.  
  
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ARTEMIS FOWL'S JOURNAL, DISK 2, ENCRYPTED. ENTRY 4  
  
Re-reading my previous entry in the cold light of day has left me shaken to the core. How could I have allowed myself the indignity of rambling like some inebriated lovesick imbecile! My behaviour in retrospect can only be described as appalling. I only hope that I have not shamed myself beyond repair. Fortuitously I recall that most of the meal was spent looking down at my plate and using my new found appreciation for gourmet cookery to hide my confusion. My entry last night was unforgivable, I will leave it un- erased to stand as a reminder to me to never allow such a despicable lapse to ever occur again. Susanna Marie, or Sue as she prefers to be called, must never again be allowed to render my wits senseless. I cannot avoid her company and in fact am most likely to be left for hours as her only companion. Juliet will accompany me at all these times, however mother noticed my behaviour, I suspect she may find reasons to call Juliet away for other tasks. I must always be on guard; no female will change the course of my destiny. I will not allow any distractions to prevent me from pursuing gold.  
  
I am still disgusted by my entry. I had wished that even in such a state I, of all people, could maintain a sensible style of writing, my excessively maudlin sentence structure, the needless repletion, and the obtuse poetic references all highlight the importance of not being caught unawares in such situations. I shall consider it a learning experience. Sue will not affect my intellect again.  
  
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Author's Note: Well did you really think that someone of Artemis' intelligence wouldn't fight against the harpy-like attractions of the Sue?  
  
Other diary entries will follow, in chapter three we find out what Sue thought of Arty, what Juliet thinks of all of this and whether Artemis can survive his next encounter with Sue unscathed. 


	3. Observations

Disclaimer:  
  
There was a boy by name of Fowl  
  
Whose Butler fit no mould  
  
Mountain Trolls could disembowel  
  
So Fowl could get the Gold.  
  
So tell me then my readers dear  
  
If I owned these two  
  
What would I be doing here  
  
Writing fics for you?  
  
If they were mine I would command  
  
Vast fortunes you'd agree  
  
Yet Colfer's words do countermand  
  
Fowl is not for me.  
  
I still do not own the rights to Artemis Fowl.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last two chapters. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to update but the last two chapters were written in about two hours after a burst of inspiration so I really didn't know where to go next. Well here I go anyway...  
  
Please review if you find mistakes, like the fic and so forth.  
  
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The elegant pianist's fingers rested for a moment on the keyboard, poised and ready. Eyes scanning his latest diary entry, Artemis Fowl the Second smiled in satisfaction. He was not flustered easily and already his mind had begun analysing the myriad possible reasons for his earlier absurdity. He should have been more careful, knowing as he did, that though his mind was perhaps decades beyond his peers, he was still otherwise prey to the hormonal afflictions suffered by every boy during adolescence. It was theoretically possible that his extreme reaction to Susanna Marie was due to the considerable disparity between his mental and physical age, perhaps all geniuses were thus affected. It was something he would have to research.  
  
It would not be prudent for him to avoid Sue, it would reflect poorly on his parents if he did not seem welcoming of their guests and, more importantly, he would not be able to gauge the seriousness of his condition without testing himself in her presence. Intelligence was the key to victory in any situation, he would need to learn more about his adversary. She could not disconcert him with information he already knew. With that thought, he started up his Internet connection and began his search.  
  
It didn't take long to unearth Dr Egan's records from Glasgow University. Artemis knew that Sue attended a prestigious private school as a day student. The Belmont House School had recently become co-educational, Sue was one of the first females to ever attend. It was a mere seven miles from the centre of Glasgow and was comprised of 350 pupils from the diverse age range of three through to eighteen. It was 'small private school with civilised values and behaviour at its core, where attainment was high, and, above all, where education and social development would flourish in a small, caring and personal environment in which each individual mattered'. Even better for Artemis, it was very easy to hack into.  
  
*****  
  
The vampiric grin encompassing his face faltered for a moment as Artemis scrutinised Susanna's records. She had already achieved SQC's in every subject offered by Belmont years ahead of her peers; she had the highest grades in the school's history for Mathematics and Information Technology. Her achievements were extensive and not restricted to the schools academic offerings, her extra-curricular activities ranged from drama and debating to judo and football. Was it possible that he had finally found a female who could hope to match his wit and intelligence? Admittedly he hadn't been searching but Sue was...perfect. Her beauty and intellect would complement his own genius; it was as if she had been made to fit perfectly into his life. Artemis was absent-mindedly staring at the picture of Sue in the news bulletin board. Her warm smile reached out to him from the monitor, welcoming and slightly self-conscious. It was as if gaining recognition for her accomplishments embarrassed her, she was so modest. So beautiful...  
  
With a violent start Artemis realised how close he had come to that very loss of control he had resolved to eschew. His eyes narrowed in anger as he closed the files on his computer. What did it matter if she was both beautiful and brilliant, she was still in his way. Anything that threatened his self-control needed to be eliminated and since he could not actually harm the girl he would need to take measures to protect himself from her influence. He sighed in frustration; it would be judicious for him to refrain from being in her company for any length of time. If she affected him this way from afar, it would be best for his sake not too let her get too close. Juliet could divert her in other ways to keep her from his company, perhaps shopping in Dublin? As for himself, he had a criminal empire to maintain.  
  
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[SUE'S DIARY EXCERPT]  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I was talking to Angeline and Artemis earlier (well the senior one anyway because Artemis Junior has yet to say a single word to me beyond 'greetings'). They seem like really nice people, I mean I'm actually starting to believe Papa could be right; maybe underneath all of that ambition the Fowls are quite decent. Papa's always been a good judge of character, I mean everything I ever read about them in papers has been negative and all but seeing them in person's a different matter. I'm not sure about Artemis Junior though, oh forget it, this is annoying, I'll just have to call him something different, Arty'll do for now, I'd better make sure I don't call him that to his face though, for some reason I don't think he's got much in the way of a sense of humour, probably won't like anyone abbreviating his name. He was really quiet all the way through the meal yesterday, barely looked up from his plate. I wonder if he's ok. It's probably because of us, I mean his father just came home after so long and he has to share his time with a total bunch of strangers. I'd be annoyed too. I feel quite sorry for him actually, he's going to be sent off to a boarding school soon. Papa always says that boarding schools are a bad idea. The parents never get to spend time with their kids, hardly the best conditions in which to preserve the family unit as Mr Browne would say. I mean, if you never get to know your parents you can't really learn to appreciate them right? In my case I guess I was quite lucky that Belmont became co-ed in time for me to attend, at least I get to go home to him everyday. I think especially since Mother passed away that it would have really hard for him to come home to an empty house every day. At least with me at home, I can make sure he doesn't get so caught up in his work that he forgets to eat. Poor Papa, he's been so lonely lately, I'm glad for his sake that his friend's alive and well, for Angeline's sake too, I'll bet she can relate to how he feels. I feel awkward here, there's no one for me to talk to, they've got this girl Juliet, apparently she's their Butler or something, she seems really perky but we haven't talked much and Arty (calling him that makes it seem like we're actually friends or something) went straight to his room after dinner. I just sat there in the lounge while Papa talked with Artemis. You know, I still feel strange calling them by their first names, seems a little disrespectful. Angeline asked me about my school and hobbies but it was obvious she'd rather be spending time with her husband. I asked her if Arty was feeling well and she became a little distant, I don't think she's particularly happy with him for bailing out after dinner. Just a sec, someone's at the door...  
  
Cool. Juliet just asked if I want to go shopping in Dublin with her so I can't write any more at the moment. I was just reading my entry, how many times did I use 'I mean' and 'probably'? God, my English teacher would freak out if I handed in something like this, 'too many American programs' etc. Well I've got to go now. Tell you all about it later. Bye  
  
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Author's Notes:  
  
That's it for this chapter, Sue's entry really wrung me out and I need to get some air *rushes outside and takes deep breaths*. Now for technical details:  
  
Belmont House School actually exists, it's a day school seven miles from the centre of Glasgow with about 350 students which recently became co-ed in 2001. (Check it out if you want.)  
  
Mr Browne however is a fictional character (and yes I know I could have come up with a better name but so what!)  
  
SQC stands for the 'Scottish Qualifications Certificate' taken at the age of 16, equivalent to the British GCSE I suppose. (I did my research! Aren't you proud of me?)  
  
If you are having problems reading Sue's diary please remember that most people (not including Fowl) don't really bother with perfect grammar in their very personal work, besides it's on paper so she's hardly got a spellchecker!  
  
Yes, I am aware that she's writing to the diary as if it is actually a person.  
  
Please read and review 


	4. Shopping

Disclaimer:

Fair is Fowl and Fowl is fairly late

My readers can rightly berate

But though you read as you scowl

I still do not own the rights to Artemis Fowl.

I wish firstly to start with an apology for the heinous length of time that I've allowed to pass before attempting to continue. I became very disillusioned with the character of Artemis Fowl after the third book and if I can admit it, started to actively dislike his self-serving, narrow-minded ethos. It seemed to me that his age was his only defence against universal derision, a man with his values (or lack thereof) would be classed as evil. I have since read the fourth book and with time my opinion has changed again. If Fowl is to be redeemed as a man he cannot be abandoned as a child. I will attempt to do his character justice even if this is a Sue-Mocking semi-humorous fic.

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Chapter Four: Shopping

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Juliet was highly irritated and close to taking physical action against the source of her irritation, namely, Susanna Marie. The girl talked non-stop, tossed her hair at least twice every minute and smiled at everybody. It went against Juliet's training as a Butler to allow such attention seeking behaviour from her charge. She was sure that that's what Artemis wanted, for her to baby-sit the prissy princess. She was such a girly girl though that it was getting too annoying to be nice. Sue was such an exhibitionist that she'd been getting looks all day. Those boys from the Pink Duck could almost qualify as stalkers. Juliet almost wished that they would approach. What she really wanted was to try a few wrestling moves ahead of her try-outs. She had a name all thought out and a few killer combos she wanted to practise but Arty was sure to want a report and she didn't really want to tell him that she'd started a fight in front of their guest, in public too. She was only hanging around until Dom came home and then she'd scarper. America and the untold joys of professional wrestling beckoned. Juliet didn't think that she was cut out for the whole defend-the-client-until-death-do-us-part-but-never-reveal-your-name-in-case-they-like-you-and-get-in-the-way-of-your-duty thing unless of course Arty wanted to retain her but that would be weird with both her and Dom being in his service.

They continued to shop, Sue looked like she was buying presents for everyone she'd ever met. They'd been to every clothes shop in the high street as well as bookstores and the perfumery. Juliet had made three trips to their parked car and didn't intend to make another. She looked around and smiled inwardly. Sue's looks were getting the wrong kind of attention and it looked like she'd definitely get the opportunity to try out a few moves. Juliet smiled to herself as boys approached. Perfect.

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JULIET'S REPORT

Arty, I wasn't too sure whether you wanted a written report or not but I thought it would probably be best if I put everything into writing. While shopping in Dublin, Susanna Marie and I were followed by four young males, about 19-22 years of age. They all looked slightly inebriated (is that the right word?) even though it was only early evening. In fact one of them actually looked like the Masked Marvel, obviously without the mask. I was hoping he'd actually put up a fight but he wasn't any good. Well, anyway, we had just come back from the car the third time when I noticed them coming out of the Pink Duck Pub, they looked totally doped and coz we'd be in the area for a while I kept my eye on them. They started approaching approximately ten minutes after first viewing Susanna Marie. They looked real soppy and everything. Well, anyway, they came up to us and just stared falling over themselves. One was on his knees and staring like he was, you know, love-struck or something. Idiot. Anyway, soon they were all in on the act, they were slurring their words which didn't make much sense anyway.

I didn't take physical action immediately since we were in public and they were keeping their distance, well about a metre anyway. But Susanna Marie forced my hand. She was concerned that they were hurt and just sat right down, endangering herself and putting herself in the reach of a potential assailant. There wasn't much else I could do so I knocked out the nearest one. She yelped like I'd kicked her or something but like I'd ever miss my target!

She got in the way when I moved to take out the others, she's actually quite fast. Well, she might have been fast but I got behind and knocked out the other two. You should have seen the moves I pulled. I guess they were a little flashy but in wrestling you have to make it look good. Just being effective isn't enough. Once I had the targets down I tried to move Susanna Marie out of the situation but she refused to budge. She wouldn't move and kept trying to go back. There was a bit of a crowd gathering and I really didn't want to get surrounded so I picked her up and dragged her away. She yelled at me the whole way back.

She's refusing to talk to me now on the grounds that I apparently behaved 'irresponsibly and recklessly, endangering the lives of innocent civilians through the means of grotesquely inappropriate force'. Her words not mine.

Just a note Arty, I'm not babysitting her for you again.

Juliet.

P.S

You wanted to know this other stuff right?

She ate a grilled cheese sandwich

She talks quite posh most of the time (a bit like you) except when she gets excited

She likes the colour blue, like your eyes, she said your eyes were nice but a little cool

She likes buying stuff for people, it's like her hobby or something

She has no knowledge whatsoever about wrestlers and she thinks it's all made up can you believe it? She doesn't give it any respect as an established form of entertainment. So what if it's choreographed?

She likes judo

Her shoe size is teensy

She always tips big

Her role model is some dead woman called Emily Panky-something who made women suffer or something… can you explain this?

I'm bored

I'm not writing anymore!

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SUE'S DIARY EXCERPT

Dear Diary,

I am so mad at Juliet, I can't believe the way she behaved, it was so awful. I can't believe that I thought I might have fun with the girl, she's mean, nasty and very, very violent. We were having fun at first I suppose but it was so obvious that she didn't like me. She was barely listening to a word I said, she just kept looking at everything else around, everything but me that is. I've always been taught to make eye contact with people I'm talking to, it's rude to avoid looking at people when they're talking to you but she didn't once look at me when I was talking. I tried so many times to engage her in conversation but she wasn't interested in the least. I can understand that she isn't a Fowl, she's the Help but the Butlers have always been made out to be like this super talented force or something. Those boys weren't hurting anyone, they were just trying to be friendly. Admittedly they were a little umm drunk but not overly so. Juliet did over-react and I suppose I did as well. It's so freeing writing like this Diary, it allows me to get all my negative feelings out of my system. I feel cleansed of bitterness and renewed with positivity. Reading my words again fills me with shame, I can't believe I said such harsh words. In retrospect Juliet was only trying to protect me, I should have realised that a situation as volatile as the one I was in could have turned ugly really quickly. I will definitely apologise to her as soon as I can. She was trying to be nice, I mean she totally went out of her way to take me shopping. Oh my God, how nasty my words sound. She carried bags to the car for me three times! I can't believe how quickly I forgot that! I called her the Help, I would scribble that out but I'll let it stand as a reminder to me not to be so judgemental. God made us all equal, there are no masters and servants, it's all the construct of our biased societies. I will go to Confession over this, I'll need it to soothe my soul. I'll talk to you later Diary, when I feel like a better person.

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ARTEMIS FOWL'S JOURNAL, DISK 2, ENCRYPTED. ENTRY 5

Juliet's report has left me with the distinct impression that her literary capabilities are notably inferior to her other skills. Leaving aside for now the numerous mistakes in grammar, punctuation, and spelling I still find myself slightly surprised at her inability to remain focused on a single subject, particularly in a written context. However juvenile her report may be, nonetheless, her findings have assisted in the profile that I am currently working on. I will document all articles of information regarding Sue into my database, this, I trust, will most definitely allow me to reach a decisive conclusion as to the root cause behind my weakness as concerns Susanna Marie.

I have been granted ample opportunity during Sue's excursion with Juliet to acquaint myself with her family history. I am confident that there is no longer any subject concerning her character or achievements that I am not fully informed about. Simultaneous to this process of data accumulation I have set into position a number of relatively small operations designed to augment the Fowl fortune, they should by all calculations prove to be suitably lucrative and will be initiated upon Butler's return. I find myself impatient for his arrival, his presence has rarely been lacking from my side and to be frank I miss him.

To myself I cannot be less than sincere; I am concerned by these recent events. My predilection for Susanna Marie should have been momentary. I had expected that once fully armed with all possible knowledge regarding Sue I would be protected from the curious insensibility which continues to affect my judgement. That I have failed to achieve my aims shows that my true adversary is none other than myself. As I have previously stipulated, my adolescent body is an immature vessel for my superior mind. Hormonal imbalances should never have superseded my considerable intellect and certainly never to the degree that I exhibited when I first read the findings of Juliet's report. I have learned from my initial mistake however and thus allowed myself time to reflect before I presumed to chronicle my reaction. It is a painful admission on my part that I have had to make allowances for my own unpredictable weaknesses.

Sue is the very definition of beauty but the superiority of the mind has always been my primary objective. She awakens feelings I never knew I possessed, I am overwhelmed by the urge to ensure that she remains at my side for eternity. She is so beautiful in body and soul, an angel sent down from Heaven. Her eyes have a depth in which I wish to immerse myself, to lose myself, yes, even to drown myself. She likes my eyes, I cannot believe she thinks they are cool, if only she could see the passion that even now fills them to the brim at the thought that she finds them lacking in love, if only. Her gaze sears me to my soul and makes me wish to better myself in her eyes. I know that she knows my history but even so I wish for her to accept my love. She is the very zenith of beauty and perfection. I cannot any longer keep myself from the presence of my beloved. I must be at her side…

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Author's Notes:

Poor Arty, the condition seems to be getting worse. Just thinking about Sue is making him poetic. Will he survive his next encounter with his mind intact?


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